28/12/2013, Sabtu, 3.16 am
on this date. everything appear. ntah lahh. tak tahu ape nak kata. i'm sharing my problem with my unofficial fiance *ecehh!* hahaha i know this is my family matter. tapi sampai bila aku nak tahan? aku dah penat. aku letih. tak larat dah nak menangis hari hari. dah rasa mata aku ni mcm paip yg dah bocor. suka suki dia jee nak leleh ikut suka hati tak kira masa di mana jua. kahkah ehh betul lahh di mana jua dalam bilik and even dalam toilet pun jadi. cuba senonoh sikit tempat tu. kok ye pun jgn ar nangis kat dalam toilet. cuba malu sikit. okay lets continue with the story. aku ni jenis yg tak reti nak cerita family problem kat orang. even my sis pun aku tak cerita. sbb? biar lahh aku jee yg tahu sbb ape. bukan nak ketepikan diorang. cuma aku tak reti mcm mana nak cerita. sbb kalau aku cerita, aku akan nangis. aku tak nak nangis depan org. aku tak nak mintak simpati org dgn tangisan *novel nyewww* bila cerita kat KA, aku nangis. tapi kira okay lahh aku nangis tapi dia tak nampak aku nangis. sbb cerita kat wechat kan. kalau on called ni, komfem tak bercakap dengar jee lahh sedu sedan aku yee encik pakwe. bila aku rasa tak de sape sayangkan aku, bila aku rasa aku ni useless, bila aku rasa mcm aku ni baik mati dari hidup, dia datang. dia cuba bagi nasihat. dia cuba bagi support kat aku. tak banyak dia boleh kata sbb dia bukan kat tempat aku. yes! aku terlalu mengharap kat sesuatu yg susah dan mungkin tak kan terjadi. salah ke aku nak mengharap dgn darah daging aku sendiri?
dia kata "awak kena kuat sayang. org support awak. syuhada yg org kenal bukan nya lemah macam ni. sabar k sayang. keep strong" sayang, kalau lahh awak ada dgn org time org luah kan semua ni. hmmm org dah tak larat nak jadi kuat. org jadi kuat sampai org jadi lemah. i'm weak. org tak sekuat yg awak fikir kan. rasa mcm nak lari dari semuanya. lari dari manusia. jadi mayat pun dah best sebenarnya. hmm
you see her when you close your eyes
maybe one day you'll understand
everything you touch slowly dies
moment, twitter, facebook and blog. i post this lyric. very deep. if one day i had to go. far from here. far from all of you. i hope you'll understand that all my efforts that i've done, just for you. just to make you happy. just to make you proud as your daughter. me, as your daughter, keep trying to make you happy. keep trying to be the best among the siblings. i know you never see all had i done. but one day. i hope you appreciate. all my achievement. everything. dont compare me with anyone else. look at me as NURUL SYUHADA. please. try to understand me. try to understand my feeling. i love you. and i only have you. i try to act like imma big girl that NEVER EVER flow the tears. just think that i'm big enough to not cry for the stupid things. imagine that one day i create a smile on your face. that was the best feeling ever in my life. but can you smile when look my body with white cloth plus smell of 'kapur barus'? dont be regret. dont be sad. just smile cause one of the reason that make you cry are gone. FOREVER. and i'll pray that you'll be happy when i'm not around. and i pray and keep praying to ALLAH that we'll meet at JANNAH soon. i know imma not a good daughter for you. but i try to. and i keep try even you're dont even care.
dear beloved, i'm sorry cause i cant promise this thing. cause i know i'm not strong enough to stop the tears. it keep flowing when i asked them to stop. dont blame me. cause i'm not a big girl. i still a children who need attention. sayang, i need you when i'm at my worst. i need you to wipe the tears. i'm tired to do it by myself. thank you for everything. thank you cause always be with me in up and down. iloveyou